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 One of the greatest rewards of a long distance relationship is meeting that special love and knowing that all the hard work, the commitment and dreams of making this person part of your life, has paid off... the realization that this person truly is the missing link in your life and that the puzzle of your life is finally completed.
I know the initial meeting of a long distance love or the follow-up meeting of a love that you may have met by chance before engaging in a long distance relationship may be a daunting prospect, but I think if you walk into it with a sense of realism, the rewards could be immense. Meeting my husband for the first time after a six-month online relationship was incredible and I'd like to share a few tips for the initial meeting:
The movie, You've Got Mail, was just that - a movie. Be careful not to have a larger than life impression of the love you're about to meet. He is a person after all and there will be some things about his personality that may come as a surprise to you. Enjoy that first meeting though! Counting the days, hours, minutes, and seconds is part of the fun. I flew to New York from Johannesburg to meet my husband and that first meeting at the airport is by far one of the most incredible experiences of my life!
Make sure your expectations are realistic. One of the biggest mistakes I made was to subconsciously think I'd stepped into a fairytale. Not quite! My husband and I never anticipated the problems we encountered when communicating. We both spoke English, but his had an American and mine a South African/British influence. We never thought we would have so many misunderstandings! We now look back and laugh about it, but at the time it was pretty frustrating at times.
Take time to discover the little things about each other, the things you can't share in a phone call, a letter or an e-mail. I remember my husband being more nervous about our first meeting than I was. "I don't know what it's like to sit opposite you and to share a meal with you or what your table manners will be." I was not impressed by this comment at all, but fully realized the extent of what he meant when we spent our first three weeks together before I returned to South Africa.
You have a lot of catching up to do, so don't rush things. You've connected emotionally and intellectually, but physically you need to get to the same level of comfort. This could take a while. My husband and I had an incredible connection on all levels and although we were very comfortable with each other physically, this was an aspect of our relationship that needed time to grow on its own.
Don't stop communicating. After all, your ability to communicate is what brought you together - and kept you together - during your months of being in a long distance relationship. There will be many times that you will have to rely heavily on your communication to see you through some difficult times once you move to be with your partner.
Learn to distinguish between personality and cultural differences. We found that we'd have to take a few steps back sometimes to figure out whether our differing points of view were based on our cultural backgrounds or merely differences in our personalities. We decided to make the cultural differences a positive in our relationship and to compromise when it came to the differences in our personalities.
Now that you've had that initial meeting, it's decision time: are you going to give your relationship a chance in 'real life' or are you simply going to go back to a long distance relationship? There may be a myriad of reasons why one of you can't move to be with the other soon. There are many resources and ideas to keep your long distance love going strong. If you have agreed that you will move to be with your love, be prepared for the adjustments that will follow.
Seperating after the first meeting can be really difficult and now is the time to be really supportive. There are many new things in store for both of you, whether you are going ahead with your long distance relationship or whether you are moving. We decided that I would move to the US and I don't think my husband and I always understood the depth of the emotions and changes that each of us were going through. Some of these emotions just couldn't be shared though - they were really deep and personal and we understood that we had to deal with them on our own. I appreciated the space my husband gave me to deal with many of the changes in my own way. The prospect and eventual realization that we were going to be together at last far outweighed anything that we had gone through or were about to go through. |
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 It's easy to be caught up in the romance of a long distance relationship, to be intrigued by a voice at the other end of a phone or letters dancing across a computer screen conveying sweet nothings from a mysterious stranger thousands of miles away. Sadly not everyone represents themselves accurately online or during a chance encounter and sometimes a long distance relationship ends in heartache and despair.
I truly believe in a woman's sixth instinct, that little - sometimes annoying voice - that berates you and tells you when something is not quite right. My advice would be to act on it and not to give up your life, home, family, friends, culture, holidays, traditions, and way of life for a man who lives thousands of miles away and you are not sure of him; however, don't confuse your instincts with paranoia. A couple who are in love, committed and completely honest about their feelings for each other will surpass any obstacle that may threaten to ruin their relationship.
If you have met your partner online or by chance in person and you are making plans to be together, I want to point out a few things that could signal red flags:
Does he often suddenly disappear when you're chatting online or quickly bring your phone call to an end? Is he vague when it comes to sharing information like mailing addresses or telephone numbers? Could be that he is married. If he constantly breaks appointments to meet you online or to call, it could be that he is a husband or dad and that he has other commitments.
Is he hesitant about sending a picture of himself? Does he always have an excuse when it comes to putting a face to his name? Chances are he is older than he wants you to believe.
Is he very interested in your finances, your assets, but shares very little about his own situation? Could be that he is in a precarious financial position, he wants a way out and he's hoping that you could be it. Think twice about sending someone money or sharing your financial information.
Make your long distance relationship a part of your life and be careful not to make this relationship the only aspect of your life. Continue your friendships, go out and have fun, and don't give up on your dreams. Be careful not to spend time online for hours waiting for your loved one to pop up or hang around the phone willing it to ring.
It could be a good idea to read up about the mechanics of long distance relationships. It could help in understanding some of the emotions you are going through and some of the questions you may find you are asking yourself or your partner.
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