Life after you say "I do"

Moving from a long distance relationship into a marriage is not quite the fairytale, happy ending that so many people think it would be. It's rather the beginning of a brand new life, one that we believed during the long distance courtship would be absolutely perfect. What a rude awakening! It was one thing to get to know my husband pretty well before I made the move, but it was something completely different to get immersed into his culture and way of life. During the first three years, there were many tears and many frustrations, but through our love, lots of humour, and a willingness to make it work,  I am proud of the very strong, loving, and supportive marriage that my husband and I share. I truly believe that if a couple can weather the initial storms of a long distance relationship that leads to a marriage, there really is absolutely nothing that they can't handle. 

Apart from learning all there was to learn about the American culture, one of the big positives that came out of my move to the US was just how much I learned about myself. I learned that I had a resilience, a willingness to succeed in my pursuit of happiness, and an ability to compromise that I never recognized in myself before. I'm sure many other ladies who have been through this adjustment in their new countries would agree. 

I'd like to share a few of the greatest adjustments that I went through. Please note that these were my personal adjustments and I am not implying at all that everyone who joins a long distance love in his country will go through the same experiences:

Feeling homesick	I was never as homesick as I had expected to be, but there were times that I hit the doldrums and missed my country terribly. The African sky is something that you can't appreciate unless you've seen it for yourself. South Africa has a natural beauty that is absolutely breathtaking - no wonder it's called "the world in one country". I have not heard anything here in the US that would match the evening sounds in South Africa... the sounds of the bush, where animals still roam freely and civilization has not disrupted the natural harmony of the wild. I don't think my husband always understood the depth of my feelings of homesickness. The most he could do was to be a shoulder for me to cry on and to support me - which he did wonderfully. We have not been to South Africa, but one day I will show him my country.
Insecurity	I went through extreme feelings of insecurity in the first three years of living in the US. I was a very independent person in South Africa, but here I found that I had become totally dependent on my husband - financially, emotionally, and even spiritually. He had become my translator, my tourguide, my provider... roles that I never dreamed of assigning to him and it was not easy for either of us. My husband had met a very independent and ambitious person online and was now dealing with someone who didn't recognize herself anymore. Once I had a good job and felt I was assimilating, I found my feet. I have changed completely since leaving South Africa and sometimes don't recognize the person I used to be. I am much happier with myself now. I am at a very happy phase of my life, a good place to be.
The computer demon	My husband and I were used to communicating a lot online - he had his chats and I had mine with other people. This was life when we were living seperately and it was a very difficult habit to break now that we were together. At times one of us would get irritated when we felt the other was spending too much time online. I found myself on the computer a lot when my husband was at work seeking out South African expat websites. In hindsight this was not a healthy situation since it would have been better if I had involved myself in some volunteering and made new friends this way. Expats can often fuel one's insecurities or feelings of loneliness without meaning to and since they are online this is once again a surreal situation because they are not personal friends who know you in 'real' life. Today neither my husband or I chat online at all and we haven't for many years... it's something we simply outgrew once our needs changed. We found our fulfillment in each other and the love and life we share now.
Feelings of loss	I went through what I can only describe as a sense of loss, of mourning, the first few years of living in this country. I left behind a very close group of friends with whom I had a strong connection to. Sadly, many of these friends could not understand my reasons for moving to the US and believed that following my heart to a man that I 'barely knew' was ludicrous, not to mention the fact that we'd met online. Many also felt betrayed, that I was walking out on our friendship. Only a few shared in the joy of my move. The reactions of these friends hurt deeply and it took a while to come to terms with their apathy. Many friendships could not handle the distance between the two countries and they died a slow death over the years. It hurt, but I understand the demise. I will carry the good memories and the wonderful experiences of those friendships with me forever and wish those friends well in their lives today.
Work ethic	Americans are extremely hard working and at first I thought this was a nation that lives to work and not works to live. The work hours are long and most people have only 14 days' vacation a year and often work on public holidays. This is in stark contrast to life in South Africa, where I was used to having 14 public holidays and a 30-day vacation a year. Here in the US, there are about 10 public holidays that are selectively observed nationwide. I found it ludicrous that Easter was not a holiday here and it was pretty weird working on Good Friday for the first few years that I lived here. I now have job where every public holiday is observed and all in all I get about seven weeks' vacation a year. Bliss!
Holidays	It took a few years to get used to the wonderful holidays here in the US. I remember waking up sometimes and remembering holidays back in South Africa and reminiscing about what everyone was doing back 'home'. South Africa has many, many more public holidays than the US, which took a while to get used to. Since embracing the holidays here in the US, I find I don't think of South African holidays any more except for the big ones like Christmas and Easter. Easter is a very special holiday here in the US. Giving children themed baskets with lots of chocolate eggs and goodies is a big tradition not to mention the traditional Easter ham dinner.  The Fourth of July celebration is just that - a huge celebration filled with fireworks, barbecues, and family fun. There are many patriotic parades and thousands of elaborate fireworks displays all over the country. Every year when I watch a firework display, I have a huge, uncomfortable lump in my throat. I admire the American patriotism, their pride in their nation. This was not something I knew in my home country. I have come to absolutely love Thanksgiving. I think this is such a special day, one in which we always make a point of remembering the things we are thankful for, the things that happened in the previous year that made our lives happier. Not to mention the turkey and cranberry sauce, green bean casserole and eggnog. Yummy! Pumpkin pie is quite traditional this time of the year and this is a favourite too. I was used to pumpkin being a vegetable on my dinner plate served with chicken - definitely not in a pie (or tart as I would have called it back in South Africa)! Christmas is such a traditional celebration here in the US. All the lights, decorated gardens and homes, are a feast for the eye and I always marvel at the magic of this holiday. Families spend a lot of money this time of the year - much more than I was used to and it took a while to adjust to this frame of mind. It took a while to adjust to Christmas being in the middle of winter here in the US. Many South Africans spend Christmas on the beach or outdoors. New Year is a very low-key holiday here compared to South Africa. This is the time of year when South Africa celebrates with lots of fireworks and lots and lots of outdoor parties. I guess it helps that it's summer over there! My husband finds it strange that I want to see fireworks on New Year's eve, but he accepts that this was part of my culture once upon a time, so we encompass fireworks in our New Year's eve celebration.
Food	I remember being brave and insisting on doing grocery shopping myself shortly after I moved here. What a shock! This was the first time I was exposed to the ostentatious selection of food in the US and I was completely thrown off guard. I remember wanting to buy butter. Back in South Africa I would have had a few brands to choose from, but I was totally unprepared to find a whole isle in the refrigerator section with only butter! I wanted to buy ham and went to the deli in the store and asked for two pounds of ham. The person serving me went on to give me a choice of seven different hams and I felt like a fool. I had no idea what to buy!  I was not prepared at all for the huge portions served in restaurants here in the US. To this day I am astounded every time we dine out and my plate is put in front of me. I hate to admit, but I gained forty pounds in the years that I've lived here and it's taken a lot of dedication and perseverance to lose it. I've had to learn to eat healthy and that it's okay if I don't finish what's on my plate: it was too much to begin with.  I have learned to eat pancakes and syrup for breakfast, lots more pork, ham, and turkey (not something I had a lot of in South Africa), hamburgers and hotdogs for a cookout (barbecue or 'braai' as we call it in South Africa) and vegetables that years ago would have tasted raw to me. I miss lamb, babotie, vetkoek, pancakes, watermelon at Christmas, sosaties, samoosas, and home-made custard that was so prevalent in my South African diet.
Patriotism	As I mentioned earlier, the American patriotism was something that took a while to get used to. My husband is a big patriot and I'm proud of him for loving, defending, and respecting his country as he does. The outpouring of patriotism across the nation after 9/11 is something I will never forget. The red, blue, and white flags that were everywhere, the constant playing of "God Bless America" and the national anthem are images that will be etched in my mind forever. I am now an American citizen and feel proud and privileged to call this country my home.